Access to Omniscience & A Brotherly Dispute

Sam (6-yr-old): James (2-yr-old) is in your room!

Johno (4-yr-old): No he's not!

Sam: Yes he is!

Johno: No he's not!

Sam: Yes he is!

Johno: You don't know everything!

Sam: Yes I do!

Johno: No you don't!  [pause]
Only Jesus knows everything!! And he told me James is not in my room!!

My Son's Prayer Tonight

Johno (4-year-old):

Dear God,

Thank you for mommy and daddy, my brothers and sisters, my nanas and papas, my uncles, aunts, and cousins.  Please help me to be a good boy and to listen to mommy and daddy.  Thank you for my toys, my Angry Birds, my bed and pillows, and thank you for...
... and thank you for Saturn and Pluto and everything in the world.

Amen.

My Son: Sliding Down Mt. Everest

Sam (6-year-old): Dad can you burn your hand off?

Me: Yes. You can burn it off if it gets in a fire for very long.  You can even "burn it off" in the COLD by getting frost"burned".

Sam: Really?  You can burn it off by getting it too cold?

Me: Yeah, basically.

Sam: Has anyone ever done that?

Me. Yeah.  In fact, I was just listening to a story of someone who climbed Mt. Everest--the tallest mountain--who got injured, could not climb down, had to stay on the mountain for days to be rescued, and lost both of his hands and part of his face due to exposure to the cold.  He lost his hands while he was sleeping for days in the cold.

Sam: Why didn't he just go ZOOM and slide down?

Me: Well, buddy, you can't just slide down.  It is a long way down.

Sam: Why can't you just slide down?

Me: Because it is MILES and MILES down and it takes weeks to go up or down.  Some of it is very steep, too, and you will get hurt if you try to slide rather than climb.  There are cliffs.

Sam: Could I slide down Mt. Everest on my bum if I were asleep?

Me:  Are you asking whether you could survive the cold by sliding down Mt. Everest on your bum WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING??

Sam: Yes.

Me: Maybe.  I don't think anyone has ever tried it.

Jondo [4-year-old]: I would wear a spiky hat and a spiky suit and the cold would just bounce off me because I have tons of spikes.

Me: [...]

Gay Snacks or Southern Drawl??

Johno [4-yr.-old yelling down the hall]:  WHERE'S MY FAG NEWTON?!

Sam [6-yr-old brother]: It's not a Fag Newton, Johno.  It's a FIG Newton.

The F-Word in Our House

Johno (4-year-old):  "Mommy, I heard him say the F-word!"
Me (overhearing): "SAY WHAT?!"

Johno: "Mom, who made up the F-word?"
Me: "COME AGAIN???"

Johno: "Why is the F-word bad?"
Me: "WHAT DID HE JUST ASK??"

Amy (to me): "He doesn't mean that.  He means the word for 'toot.'"
Me: Ahhhh....(pheeeww).

My Razorback Kid Has a Lot to Learn About the Buckeye State

In Ohio...

Jondo (4 yr. old): What is that stuff on the window?

Malea: That's ice, buddy.

Jondo: Is it poisonous?

Bullies: A Conversation Amongst a 4 and 6-Year-Old

Four-year old: "Dad, bullies can't have friends."

Six-year-old: "Na-uh!  A bully can have friends."

"No, bullies can't have friends."

"Yes they can!  A bully can become nice!"

"A nice bully isn't a bully!"

Bullying

Sunday we had a family meeting and among other things we talked about bullying.

Amy: I want everyone to tell us what they think bullying is.  Let's start with the youngest.  Jonathan, tell us what you think bullying is.

Johno (four-year-old): Uhhhh.....Uhhhhhh.....

Amy: When somebody is a bully what are they like?  What are people doing when they are bullying, Jonathan?

Johno: Uhhhh...It's like.  It's like when you put a ball on the ground and then you roll it forward.

[Silence]

Me: Bowling, Johno.  That's bowling.

My Androgynous Four-Year-Old

Jonathan: Daddy, I need a drink of water.
Me [rhyming & teasing]: OK, then.  A drink of water for my daughter.
JB: Daaadddyyyy!  I am not your daughter.
Me: Well then what are you?
JB: I'm a kid.
Me: Are your sisters not kids also?
JB: No.
Me: Your sisters are not my kids?
JB: No.  I'm your kid.  My sisters aren't kids.
Me: Says who?
JB: No one.