Humor: Brothers, Girlfriends, and Romantics

My 7-yr-old son (Samuel) was teasing my 5-yr-old son (Jonathan) about someone being Jonathan's "girlfriend."

My wife intervened and said "Jonathan, ignore him, you are SO sweet, any girl would be lucky to have you."

Samuel: "Hey, what about me? I cry at movies!"

Han Solo or Luke?

Samuel (7-yr-old): Dad, who would you rather be, Han Solo or Luke?

Me (41-yr-old): Probably Han Solo if it's the TV Han Solo; Luke, if I'm reading the story because he can use the Force.

Johno (5-yr-old): I'd want to be Han Solo because he has a gun.

My son!

One Foot in Heaven....

Samuel (7-yr-old): Dad, are we going to have feet in heaven or will we just fly around?

Good question.

Gods and Ghosts

Sam [7-yr-old]: How much do you weigh?

Me: About 200 lbs, give or take 10 lbs depending on the season.

Sam: Wow, that's a lot.

Me: It's not so much.

Sam: Dad could you lift up this [chest-of-drawers]?

Me: Yeah, I built it and carried it in there.

Johno [5-yr-old]: Dad, could you lift up this [bed]?

Me: Sure, no problem.

Sam: Dad could you lift up the whole house?

Me: No way.  No normal human could lift up the house.

Sam: Yeah.  But God could.
God's a ghost.

Me: [One eyebrow highly raised]

Sam: Well.  Sort of.

Can Bugs Talk?

Sam (six-year-old): Dad, can bugs talk?

Me: No.

Sam: Why not?

Me: They don't have a language.

Sam: Are bugs like dolphins?

Me: Dolphins seem to have a language. Bugs are more like robots.

Sam: Robots can talk.

Me: Bugs are like non-talking robots.

Sam: Oh.

Who Made Up the Numbers?

A conversation in a van:

Sam (6-yr-old): What's 30 + 30?

Me: 60.

Sam: No!  I was asking Johno (4-yr-old)!

Me: Oh, I thought you wanted to know.

Johno: Daddy, what is the highest number?

Me: There isn't a highest number.

Sam: (To Johno) I told you!

Me: For any number one more can be added.

Sam: Dad, why did they make so many numbers?

Me: Who is "they"?

Sam: Whoever made up the numbers.

Me: Why do you think some people made up the numbers?

Sam: Because you need them for birthdays.

Me: But why do you think someone had to make the numbers?

Sam: Because somebody had to make the numbers.

Me: What if God made the numbers?

Sam: Did he?

Me: Maybe he did.

Access to Omniscience & A Brotherly Dispute

Sam (6-yr-old): James (2-yr-old) is in your room!

Johno (4-yr-old): No he's not!

Sam: Yes he is!

Johno: No he's not!

Sam: Yes he is!

Johno: You don't know everything!

Sam: Yes I do!

Johno: No you don't!  [pause]
Only Jesus knows everything!! And he told me James is not in my room!!

On Loving Your Enemies and Having a Christian Father

Samuel (6-year-old): Good night, I love you.

Malea (11-year-old): Why should you love me?

S: Because you make fun stuff and games.

M: Anything else???

S: You're in my family.

M: Anything else?

S: [Pause.  Thinking].   You're supposed to love your enemies??

M: Samuel! You're supposed to love me because I'm your sister and you're a Christian.  Do you know that when you're a Christian all the other people who are Christians are your brothers and sisters in Christ, like Daddy's your brother because he's a Christian.

S: Dad's a Christian?

My Son Samuel & Augustine: Evil as Privation

Sam (6-yr-old): Daddy, why does Johno go up to your room in the middle of the night?

Me: Because he's a chicken.

Sam: Why is he a chicken?

Me: Because he's afraid of the dark.

Sam:  Why is he afraid of the dark?

Me:  I don't know, but I do know that you need to go to sleep.

Sam: OK.  I used to be afraid of the dark, but not anymore.  The dark is nothing.

My Son: Sliding Down Mt. Everest

Sam (6-year-old): Dad can you burn your hand off?

Me: Yes. You can burn it off if it gets in a fire for very long.  You can even "burn it off" in the COLD by getting frost"burned".

Sam: Really?  You can burn it off by getting it too cold?

Me: Yeah, basically.

Sam: Has anyone ever done that?

Me. Yeah.  In fact, I was just listening to a story of someone who climbed Mt. Everest--the tallest mountain--who got injured, could not climb down, had to stay on the mountain for days to be rescued, and lost both of his hands and part of his face due to exposure to the cold.  He lost his hands while he was sleeping for days in the cold.

Sam: Why didn't he just go ZOOM and slide down?

Me: Well, buddy, you can't just slide down.  It is a long way down.

Sam: Why can't you just slide down?

Me: Because it is MILES and MILES down and it takes weeks to go up or down.  Some of it is very steep, too, and you will get hurt if you try to slide rather than climb.  There are cliffs.

Sam: Could I slide down Mt. Everest on my bum if I were asleep?

Me:  Are you asking whether you could survive the cold by sliding down Mt. Everest on your bum WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING??

Sam: Yes.

Me: Maybe.  I don't think anyone has ever tried it.

Jondo [4-year-old]: I would wear a spiky hat and a spiky suit and the cold would just bounce off me because I have tons of spikes.

Me: [...]

My Son Samuel, the Moon, and Heavenly Bodies

Talking about seeing the moon, sunlight, the earth's relation to the sun and moon....

Samuel [6-yr-old]: Dad, suppose that you are at the edge of the earth and...

Me: There is no edge of the earth, Buddy.

Sam: Well, if you are at the edge...

Me: There's isn't any edge, Sam, well, depending on what you mean by 'edge.'  The Earth is round.  It's a sphere like a basketball. 

Sam: Like a basketball?

Me: Yeah, the Earth is shaped like a basketball, so there is no edge.  There's just a surface like on a basketball but that surface has no edge.

Sam: Is EVERYTHING shaped like a basketball???

Me: You mean in space?

Sam: Yeah, in space.

Me: More or less.

Sam.  Wow, everything is shaped like a basketball.  Wow.  What about the moon?  Why is it in pieces?

Me:  Huh?

Sam: Why is it in pieces?

Me: What do you mean it's in pieces??

Sam: Well, sometimes its shaped like a "C".  It's sometimes a piece of a ball.

Gay Snacks or Southern Drawl??

Johno [4-yr.-old yelling down the hall]:  WHERE'S MY FAG NEWTON?!

Sam [6-yr-old brother]: It's not a Fag Newton, Johno.  It's a FIG Newton.

Bullies: A Conversation Amongst a 4 and 6-Year-Old

Four-year old: "Dad, bullies can't have friends."

Six-year-old: "Na-uh!  A bully can have friends."

"No, bullies can't have friends."

"Yes they can!  A bully can become nice!"

"A nice bully isn't a bully!"

Is My Six-Year-Old Son Getting Smarter or Dumber?

Me: Son, let me ask you this: Are you getting smarter or dumber watching cartoons for SO LONG today?!

Sam:  Dumber.

Science, Magic, and a Wee Bit of Epistemology from Plato's Meno

6-year-old Sam in the tub with baby-bath bubbles accumulating....

Sam: Dad, why does the water [coming out of the spigot] pop the bubbles [beneath it]?

Me: I don't know exactly.  But you should ask a chemist if you want to know.

Sam: Oh.  But how do you know a chemist knows if YOU don't know why water pops the bubbles???

Me: Good question.  Even though I don't know all that chemists know, I know WHAT THEY DO.

Sam: Oh.  They must know about magic.

Me: Most everything is magic if you think about it.

This Has to Be the Work of Uncle Jeff

Sam (5-yr-old): "If I chew my fingernails will it hurt my wee-wee?"

Me: "No! (?!?!?)"

Sam: "Will it make it fall off?"

Me: "NO! WHY would you THINK that?!?"

Sam: "Well, that's what my cousins told me."

Spatulas and Semantic Intention

Backdrop: One-year-old James is in the kitchen about to wreak havoc

Amy: "No, no!  Quick, somebody get James!"

Sam (5-yr-old): "Yeah! He's got the spoonala!"

Me: "Spatula, Sam.  'He's got the spatula.'  [To Amy].  I'll have to blog about the 'spoonala'."

Sam (overhearing): "I meant to say that."

Me: "Of course you did.  You said it."

A Five-Year-Old's Take on the Birth of Secretariat Movie Scene

Sam:  THEY'RE TAKING HIM OUT OF HER BUM?!!?!?!?!

Papa: Yes.

Sam: Do ALL baby's come out of your bum???

Papa: Yes.

Sam: Did James come out of Mommy's bum?!?

Papa: _____.

End of the World Button

I'm pretty sure I committed at least a venial sin in this conversation, and for that I now publically confess.  I find it hard to know where to draw the "teasing" line especially when it's impossible to explain things to a five-year-old anyway....at least when it comes to car keys.

Samuel: Daddy, what do these buttons do?

Me: One unlocks the car and the other blows up the whole world.  So DO NOT press that button.

S: Really?  One blows up the whole world?

M: Don't press it.

I Believe in Wizards

Sam (five-year-old): Dad, are there really wizards?

Me: Yeah.

Sam: Really, Dad?

Me: There used to be.  

Sam: REALLY????

Me: Well, maybe. What do you mean by "wizard"?

Sam: Somebody that used to do magic.

Me: Oh, yeah, definitely. There were wizards.

Sam:  Really??

Me: Yeah.

Sam: How do you do magic?

Me: Well, you don't exactly DO magic.  But if you love Jesus, the Father, and the Holy Spirit, they can do the magic through you.  In the Bible there are a lot of people that did magic like that.  

Sam: I WILL DO MAGIC!?!

Me:  Sort of.  But not exactly.  To do magic, you can't worry about doing magic or learning spells.  You just worry about doing good and God will do all the magic.  But why are you asking about magic?

Sam: Because of that guy on the computer [below]. He's a wizard.